1 00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:04,439 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:57,361 What is this? 3 00:00:57,405 --> 00:00:59,363 Something and eggs. 4 00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,278 The yellow stuff is the eggs. 5 00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:10,026 This looks familiar. 6 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,029 I once cut that up in med school. 7 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,465 I know. 8 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,641 They're little Italian cigars. 9 00:01:16,685 --> 00:01:18,687 I'll have mine after the theater. 10 00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:20,167 I'll eat what you don't want. 11 00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,169 Your death wish is my command. 12 00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:27,174 HAWKEYE: Two mounds of mashed potatoes for breakfast? 13 00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:31,134 I think I used to go steady with that tray. 14 00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:33,180 We could patent that, you know? 15 00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:35,007 Potato falsies. 16 00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:37,967 Foul mouths! There is a lady present. 17 00:01:39,229 --> 00:01:41,449 Well, where is there a lady present? 18 00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:42,841 Now there's a lady present. 19 00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,234 What's this morning's breakfast? 20 00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:45,627 Last night's dinner. 21 00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:48,412 Great. That was yesterday's lunch. 22 00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:51,328 Will you darn foolskis kindly cut the gabble-gabble? 23 00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:53,504 "Darn foolskis"? 24 00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:56,246 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. Officers' call will be held 25 00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:58,988 in Colonel Blake's office at 0700 hours. 26 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,077 Is that A.D. or B.C.? 27 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,340 I don't know. I was never too sure about Henry. 28 00:02:07,779 --> 00:02:10,260 Waitress, they're not paying their check! 29 00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:12,175 Oh! 30 00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:13,916 FRANK: It was just another disgraceful display 31 00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:15,222 of the lack of discipline. 32 00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,919 I don't think it's asking too much 33 00:02:16,962 --> 00:02:19,095 for officers to be military at breakfast. 34 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,533 I can't throw up and salute at the same time. 35 00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:24,405 I see Private Carter has come down 36 00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:25,754 with carnal flu again. 37 00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,712 -Get out of there! -Yes, sir. 38 00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:29,497 Can we be of some service, Colonel? 39 00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:32,413 Got an emergency at the front, Father. 40 00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:34,110 You're at the wrong place, Radar. 41 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,025 The emergency's at the front. 42 00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:37,331 Radar, have you got that-- 43 00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,159 Here's the message from I Company, sir. 44 00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:42,031 "I Company aid station sustained heavy shelling. 45 00:02:42,074 --> 00:02:45,165 "MASH 4077 to provide trained personnel 46 00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,905 until replacements arrive." 47 00:02:48,733 --> 00:02:50,170 That's it. 48 00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,128 That's it? Did they enclose a check? 49 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,391 I Company's a cheap outfit. 50 00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:56,219 Well, they could've sent something. 51 00:02:58,352 --> 00:03:00,267 Their surgeon's been killed. 52 00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:02,965 They need a new cutter, scrub nurse, and a corpsman. 53 00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:04,358 That's all, huh? 54 00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:06,011 Look, this is a very dangerous mission. 55 00:03:06,055 --> 00:03:08,797 I'm not gonna blow any sunshine up your skirts. 56 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:09,972 Any volunteers? 57 00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:12,627 I'll go. 58 00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:16,021 What about a surgeon? 59 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,681 Sure got quiet. 60 00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:26,380 I don't want anything I say to be misinterpreted. 61 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:30,253 All right, fair is fair. We'll draw straws. 62 00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:31,820 Uh, sir, no straws. 63 00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,256 Well, what have you got? 64 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:35,519 Um, sausage from breakfast. 65 00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:37,826 I told you they weren't meant to be eaten. 66 00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:42,483 Okay, whoever draws the short sausage volunteers. 67 00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:45,094 Good luck... Hawk. 68 00:03:46,748 --> 00:03:48,880 I should be excused. I'm single. 69 00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,578 I have the most kids. 70 00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:52,493 You're making a mockery of this! 71 00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,059 I wouldn't make a mockery 72 00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,974 of drawing burnt sausages out of a bed pan 73 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,281 to pick a volunteer for the Purple Heart. 74 00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:00,457 [rattling] 75 00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,073 Frank. 76 00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:15,342 [chuckling] 77 00:04:22,784 --> 00:04:25,308 I don't suppose there are three long sausages in there? 78 00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:26,788 No, sir. 79 00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:28,616 Then I volunteer. 80 00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,487 Hi, bunkie. 81 00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:32,489 Welcome aboard. 82 00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,361 HENRY: Okay, okay. 83 00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:37,842 Now I gotta find, uh, someone to do the corpsman job. 84 00:04:37,886 --> 00:04:40,410 I have the personnel cards right here, sir. 85 00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,412 Just my luck, I'll get a lemon. 86 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:43,718 Pick one. 87 00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,154 HAWKEYE: I don't trust you, Henry. 88 00:04:45,197 --> 00:04:46,982 You always got something up your sleeve. 89 00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,637 Oh, that's fine. All right, Father, you pick one. 90 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,900 Uh, you do trust Father Mulcahy? 91 00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,641 It says I should on all my money. 92 00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:55,643 If you can't believe your money, who can you believe? 93 00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:56,818 Well... 94 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,299 here we go. 95 00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,433 Terrific. 96 00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:05,566 I'm knocking my brains out to get sent home. 97 00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:07,481 This assignment will get me there in a box. 98 00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:11,267 -Oh, no. -If I don't come back, 99 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,270 this pink strapless number should go to that big job-- 100 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,793 the blonde from Minneapolis. 101 00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:18,274 Yeah, she'll keep it up. 102 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,536 She's built like a brick blockhouse. 103 00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:23,627 Oh, my mink. 104 00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,542 I got this for my interview 105 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,675 with that shrink at H.Q in Seoul. 106 00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:30,504 I came that close to a Section Eight discharge. 107 00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:31,809 [giggling] 108 00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,376 Then I saw the shrink's coat-- 109 00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,769 white fox, full-length. 110 00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:39,687 He only wore it on leaves. 111 00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:42,211 It's not easy when the doctors are nuttier than you are. 112 00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,650 Give it to Lieutenant Brown. 113 00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:48,913 Aw, come on. You're gonna come back. 114 00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:50,393 You'll be all right. 115 00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:51,481 Write. 116 00:05:51,525 --> 00:05:54,397 Tsk. Mink to Lieutenant Brown. 117 00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:57,269 Ah, that's about it. The rest isn't worth much. 118 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,446 Just to wear around the tent when you dust. 119 00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:02,274 Klinger, are you scared? 120 00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:05,626 Nah. I'm from Toledo. 121 00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:08,368 My mother was mugged bringing me home from the hospital. 122 00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:12,720 So long, buddy. 123 00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,375 Yeah, I'll see you soon, huh? 124 00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:16,898 Sure you will. 125 00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:20,292 -Hey, Klinger. -Huh? 126 00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:22,120 Uh, the-- 127 00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:26,473 Oh. Of course. 128 00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:28,039 Never in the afternoon. 129 00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,565 You're making me nervous, Frank! 130 00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:33,871 This is no time to make me nervous. 131 00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:36,134 I know you're sorry you didn't volunteer, Frank. 132 00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:38,398 I know you didn't volunteer because you're a married man. 133 00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:41,662 It's practically monogrammed on your shorts. 134 00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:43,141 And I know you can't leave your wife 135 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,752 on account of the children. 136 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,537 That and the fact that everything is in her name. 137 00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:50,758 Well, I'm a married man too, Frank-- 138 00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,934 married to the army. 139 00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:54,979 I don't want the future you offer-- 140 00:06:55,023 --> 00:06:58,374 meeting behind garbage cans and behind laundry trucks. 141 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,028 When the war's over-- 142 00:07:00,071 --> 00:07:02,900 and nothing good lasts forever-- 143 00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:07,252 you'll go home, home to your wife's bony arms. 144 00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:09,646 I'll still be in the service. 145 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,648 I'm an army brat, Frank. 146 00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:13,694 My father was a colonel, and my mother was a nurse, 147 00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:15,870 and I was conceived on maneuvers. 148 00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:17,654 The army's in my blood. 149 00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:20,483 I need its discipline, its traditions. 150 00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:23,617 I thrill to the sight of a precise parade. 151 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:26,663 I could faint from looking down at my own brass. 152 00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,491 That's why I volunteered, Frank-- 153 00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:30,493 to serve the army I love. 154 00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:33,017 And don't you worry. I'm coming back-- 155 00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:34,279 coming back to you 156 00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:35,933 for whatever time we have left together 157 00:07:35,977 --> 00:07:38,545 because I'm not just Major Margaret Houlihan, 158 00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,111 army nurse. 159 00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:42,679 I'm also Margaret Houlihan-- 160 00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:46,814 frail, vulnerable, sensitive female. 161 00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:49,120 And if you touch one nurse while I'm gone, 162 00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:50,644 I'll cut your hands off! 163 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,866 -Listen. -Yeah. 164 00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:57,520 -While I'm gone... -Yeah, yeah. 165 00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:59,914 Promise me you'll go out with other doctors. 166 00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:02,003 Yeah, right. And when you come back, 167 00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:04,919 knock twice and give me five minutes. 168 00:08:04,962 --> 00:08:07,138 And I expect to find all my aftershave. 169 00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:08,531 I marked the bottle. 170 00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,577 I need that stuff. It's my secret weapon. 171 00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:11,926 You don't drink it? 172 00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,275 Are you crazy? That'll kill ya. 173 00:08:13,318 --> 00:08:14,624 I just gargle it. 174 00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,149 It must be rough up at the front, huh? 175 00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:20,543 It is in the movies. 176 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,635 There's a letter in my locker. 177 00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:27,115 Okay. 178 00:08:28,682 --> 00:08:29,944 It's my will. 179 00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:32,816 Right. 180 00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,557 I leave everything 181 00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:37,125 to the Benjamin Franklin Pierce Memorial Brothel. 182 00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:41,521 I'll deliver it in person. 183 00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,049 Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble? 184 00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:50,878 I don't know. They both mean so much to me. 185 00:08:50,921 --> 00:08:53,620 No kidding, let's drink to something important. 186 00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:55,273 -To the Ritz Brothers. -To the Ritz Brothers. 187 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,976 Jeep's ready, Hawk. 188 00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:07,111 Come back soon. 189 00:09:07,155 --> 00:09:09,244 I hate to play solitaire alone. 190 00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:15,859 [door closing] 191 00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:18,427 [tire blowout] 192 00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:26,348 Ah, flat tire, sir. 193 00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,350 Good thinking, Klinger. 194 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,831 -Watch for snipers. -Yes, ma'am. 195 00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:34,008 Is this more clever than saying "I ran outta gas"? 196 00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:36,663 I had to arrange an entire Korean War, 197 00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:38,186 but I finally got you alone, Margaret. 198 00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:40,971 Yeah, I'll have the tire changed in two shakes. 199 00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:42,407 You'll have it changed? 200 00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:43,931 Well, you're the surgeon. 201 00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:45,846 We can't risk your hurting your hands. 202 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:48,239 [chuckling] I'm not gonna let a woman do that. 203 00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:50,546 Don't think of me as a woman. 204 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,069 Don't stand in profile. 205 00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:55,812 This is so ungallant of me. 206 00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:58,815 Consider it an order. You are under me. 207 00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,687 Would t'were that it were. 208 00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:06,388 -[sigh] -What? 209 00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:08,129 The least you could do is get out of the jeep. 210 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,957 Oh. Never let it be said 211 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,872 I didn't do the least I could do. 212 00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:37,114 You'd never know this was an aid station. 213 00:10:37,158 --> 00:10:39,682 Our red cross got blown off with the roof. 214 00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,423 I finally make a house call, 215 00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:42,685 and the house is gone. 216 00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:46,558 -Klinger, come on. -Yes, ma'am. 217 00:10:46,602 --> 00:10:47,951 [coughing] 218 00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,649 -Pierce. -Dever. 219 00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,437 Dever, you wanna start that man on plasma right away. 220 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,265 Dennis. 221 00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:58,832 I'll do the initial triage out here, 222 00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,398 and then once I start operating, 223 00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,618 you and you will have to take care of it, all right? 224 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,620 Find someplace for this man to lie down, will you? 225 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,100 Don. 226 00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:07,884 [explosions continue] 227 00:11:07,928 --> 00:11:10,452 All right, we'll make this our sterile area. 228 00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:12,584 Margaret. We'll operate right on the litter. 229 00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,325 They're about as-as sterile as anything we've got. 230 00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:15,718 Put 'em up on these sawhorses here. 231 00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,503 Klinger, prep the casualties over there. 232 00:11:18,547 --> 00:11:20,157 Get a table or a box or something 233 00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:21,768 -to put the instruments on. -Yes, sir. 234 00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,552 All right, we're in business. 235 00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:24,988 When you're all through, we'll print the invitations. 236 00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:26,511 Yes, sir. 237 00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:28,209 Margaret-- Yeah, get some of those 238 00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:30,080 -and pour a lot of alcohol into them, will ya? -Right. 239 00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,389 This is Grumpy calling Snow White. 240 00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:36,739 Grumpy calling Snow White. Come in, Snow White. 241 00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,916 This is Snow White. How you doing, Klinger? 242 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,397 Ah, we're setting things up. 243 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,051 Is it terrible? 244 00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,748 [chuckle] It'll take a little work 245 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,097 before it's only terrible. 246 00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,752 [explosion] 247 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,275 What was that? 248 00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:54,322 I hope it was just another flat tire. 249 00:11:57,455 --> 00:12:00,371 They're shelling us with live shells. 250 00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:04,636 Exploding live shells. This is Grumpy signing off. 251 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,117 Uh, Sn-Snow White, over and out. 252 00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:11,034 [sigh] Good luck, Grumpy. 253 00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:20,261 -What's his blood pressure? -110 over 80. 254 00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:22,089 Beautiful. Keep him under. I'm almost done here. 255 00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:23,612 [explosion] 256 00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:29,749 Margaret! 257 00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:34,405 Tape this up. 258 00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:35,972 Try to keep the dust off him. 259 00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:37,234 Neatness counts. 260 00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:39,367 Got a table for one here. 261 00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:41,978 Right down front. He can see the whole floor show. 262 00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:49,420 [groaning] 263 00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,252 Okay, he's done. Corpsman. 264 00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:57,907 MAN: I'm afraid to move this one. 265 00:12:57,951 --> 00:12:59,779 Start-Start some plasma on him. 266 00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:00,823 He'll hold. 267 00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:04,827 MARGARET: Doctor, I need you! 268 00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,089 Klinger. 269 00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,395 -Sir! -Wash up. 270 00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:12,008 Get me some more clamps, will ya? 271 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,229 Come on over here. 272 00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:17,492 I need some pressure on a bleeder here. 273 00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:18,754 Come on. 274 00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:26,327 Damn Stalin. Truman. Whoever. 275 00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:30,940 Oh, come on, nurse, get with it. 276 00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:32,333 Don't you see we need heavier silk? 277 00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,944 Frank, you're just sewing up an incision, 278 00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,077 not tying up the Queen Mary. 279 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,862 Oh, go mind your own beeswax. 280 00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,864 Go ahead, Henry. I'll finish up here. 281 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:43,648 MULCAHY: Any news from the aid station? 282 00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,041 Not yet. 283 00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:50,046 Frank, you got enough rope here for the last roundup. 284 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,483 Well, then you do it... sir. 285 00:13:55,878 --> 00:14:00,404 It's unfair, making a surgeon work under these conditions. 286 00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:02,319 Okay, put more pressure on it. 287 00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:03,668 All right, that oughta hold him. 288 00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:04,844 Thank you, Doctor. 289 00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,892 You'll be okay. He's the best. 290 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,415 [explosions continue] 291 00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,377 How's the blood pressure now? 292 00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:22,644 They keep knocking the needle around. 293 00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,820 You can start without me, Margaret. 294 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,084 I never cut a man open before. 295 00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,564 I'm not a surgeon. 296 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:32,741 That never stopped me. Assist the major. 297 00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:34,743 Yes, sir. 298 00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:36,832 [nearby explosion] 299 00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:41,445 How come they don't get tired? 300 00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:44,666 You gotta irrigate the wound first. 301 00:14:44,709 --> 00:14:46,929 It's difficult. 302 00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,323 You may have to open the wound more. 303 00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,716 You can do it. Why should I have all the fun? 304 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,283 [explosion] 305 00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,244 Are they getting closer? 306 00:14:57,287 --> 00:14:58,941 It's an optical illusion. 307 00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,769 You can't tell me they'd kill a medical person 308 00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:02,205 on a mission of mercy. 309 00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:04,599 They've already killed one surgeon here. 310 00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:06,688 I told you, you can't tell me that. 311 00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,603 More casualties coming in. 312 00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,434 Colonel Blake, I insist that you order McIntyre 313 00:15:13,477 --> 00:15:14,783 to stop harassing me. 314 00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:16,176 It's tough enough doing surgery 315 00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:17,612 under these primitive conditions. 316 00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:20,006 Surgery? You medical moron. 317 00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:22,051 You couldn't cut a salami without bungling it. 318 00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:24,053 -Oh, yeah? -That's enough from both of you. 319 00:15:24,097 --> 00:15:26,490 -He started it! -Frank, 320 00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,449 I swear, I'm gonna put it in your record 321 00:15:28,492 --> 00:15:30,625 you don't work and play well with others. 322 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:39,112 [humming "God Bless America"] 323 00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:44,595 That's enough, Frank. 324 00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:47,859 Fourteen choruses of "God Bless America" is enough. 325 00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,818 -Slacker. -What? 326 00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,733 I don't chew my cabbage twice. 327 00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,040 [knocking on door] 328 00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,346 -Who is it? -Another one of your gang. 329 00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:58,914 Uh, it's me, sir. 330 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,221 -Choppers, Radar? -Uh, no, sir. 331 00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:03,875 Um, sir, I'm not feeling too hot. 332 00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:05,703 Maybe it's everything you ate. 333 00:16:05,747 --> 00:16:07,401 No, sir. 334 00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:10,578 Um, the thing of it is, I'm, um... 335 00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:12,058 I'm lonely. 336 00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,798 It's so quiet and everything. 337 00:16:13,842 --> 00:16:15,365 It's okay, Radar. 338 00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:17,933 You can sleep in Hawkeye's bunk. 339 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,153 -Really? -This is an officers' tent! 340 00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:23,199 Try to snore importantly, Radar. 341 00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:24,940 Yes, sir. 342 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,769 And remember, Hawkeye would be very upset 343 00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:29,510 if you had an accident in there. 344 00:16:29,553 --> 00:16:31,773 -Oh, yes, sir. -Is that it? 345 00:16:31,816 --> 00:16:33,122 You're not going to tuck him in? 346 00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:34,950 No bedtime story? 347 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,604 Radar, do you want me to tuck you in 348 00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:38,040 and tell you a bedtime story? 349 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,476 -No, sir. -That's it, Frank. 350 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,609 Then I'll turn this out. 351 00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:43,915 Sir, um, do you have a nightlight? 352 00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,317 Hi, guys. 353 00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:55,753 TRAPPER: Sorry, Henry. 354 00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:57,277 You can't check in without baggage. 355 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,018 Anything we can do for you, Colonel? 356 00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,498 No, no. I just stopped in for a nightcap. I ran out. 357 00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,805 In a few hours, that'll be gin. 358 00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:05,241 Who's sleeping in that bed? 359 00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:08,070 Goldilocks. Her number came up. 360 00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,595 It's me, sir. 361 00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:13,336 Oh, what are you doing here? 362 00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,686 Captain McIntyre promoted him. 363 00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:18,646 Frank, it's after 6:00. You can stop being snotty. 364 00:17:20,822 --> 00:17:22,084 Good night, Radar. 365 00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:23,303 Good night, sir. 366 00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,264 Nobody went to the movie. 367 00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,659 It's, uh, Sherlock Holmes. 368 00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:33,269 The butler did it. 369 00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:36,098 Aw, I was gonna see that tomorrow night. 370 00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,187 I was kidding, Frank. 371 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:39,971 The maid did it. 372 00:17:42,713 --> 00:17:44,454 Good movie. 373 00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:49,894 It sure is quiet. 374 00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:55,335 Guess you guys wanna go to sleep, huh? 375 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,165 -Henry. -Yo. 376 00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:01,732 They're okay. 377 00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,171 Yeah, sure. 378 00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:06,607 Are you worried about them? 379 00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:08,739 I sent them, remember, Frank? 380 00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,741 Their commanding officer? 381 00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:15,268 Back home, my biggest decisions are whether or not 382 00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:17,139 to have my own bowling ball made 383 00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,923 and do I get the cat fixed. 384 00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:24,277 Sending people to the front's just not my speed. 385 00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:45,254 [sigh] 386 00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:47,387 Would you like another can? 387 00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:49,737 No, thanks. I ate before I left America. 388 00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:54,394 Klinger's asleep. 389 00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:57,658 Yeah, he collapsed about an hour ago. 390 00:18:57,701 --> 00:19:00,356 Time flies when you're having fun. 391 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,271 He did good work. 392 00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:04,230 He's a credit to his bloomers. 393 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:08,799 May I clear the table? 394 00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:13,108 [groaning] 395 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,544 Some dessert? 396 00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:17,112 Would you like to see the pastry tank? 397 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,332 We have some military favorites. 398 00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:22,509 Napoleonic War, Pie Alamo... 399 00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:24,815 Caramel Custer. 400 00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:26,687 No, thanks. 401 00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:39,308 [sighing, groaning] 402 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,491 We did it. 403 00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,146 My lips are sealed. 404 00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:59,459 Do you suppose there are snipers out there? 405 00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:02,070 If they're good union snipers, they are. 406 00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,739 I want you to know chivalry isn't dead. 407 00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,915 It's just been replaced by exhaustion. 408 00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:27,095 Good night, Captain. 409 00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:28,749 Good night, Major. 410 00:20:38,019 --> 00:20:39,499 -Radar? -Sir? 411 00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:42,632 Oh, uh, sir, they're on their way back. 412 00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:44,765 -Really? -Yes, sir. 413 00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:47,289 Klinger just called, and, uh, the replacements have arrived, 414 00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,638 and they're safe, and they're okay, 415 00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,379 and they're safe and everything. 416 00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,338 I gotta have a drink. 417 00:20:52,381 --> 00:20:53,382 Yes, sir. 418 00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:56,951 You drank it all. 419 00:20:56,994 --> 00:20:58,605 Radar, do you believe me? 420 00:20:58,648 --> 00:21:00,128 I never have, sir. 421 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,565 Uh, you better tell, 422 00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,611 uh, Captain McIntyre and Major Burns. 423 00:21:04,654 --> 00:21:08,049 You know, some people are just, uh, 424 00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:09,311 born to take charge. 425 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:10,660 You know what I mean, Radar? 426 00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:17,145 Yeah, I guess he knows what I mean. 427 00:21:30,898 --> 00:21:32,291 Well, there it is. 428 00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:35,598 We made it back to the fort, Emmy Lou. 429 00:21:35,642 --> 00:21:37,600 I never thought I'd be happy to see 430 00:21:37,644 --> 00:21:39,602 that upholstered toilet again. 431 00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,256 Excuse me, ma'am. 432 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,737 Major, I gotta tell you something. 433 00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:47,088 But if you repeat this to anyone, I'll deny it. 434 00:21:47,131 --> 00:21:49,917 You are my favorite officer in the whole U.S. Army. 435 00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:53,921 Same goes for me, Major. You're aces. 436 00:21:55,401 --> 00:21:58,752 Thank you, Corporal, Doctor. 437 00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:01,189 I always go for the popcorn when it gets to the mushy part. 438 00:22:01,232 --> 00:22:03,365 Right. Okay. 439 00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:08,109 Ready for the Army again. 440 00:22:12,461 --> 00:22:14,898 ♪ Over hill, over dale ♪ 441 00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:17,118 ♪ We will hit the dusty trail ♪ 442 00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:21,165 ♪ As those caissons go rolling along ♪ 443 00:22:21,209 --> 00:22:23,254 ALL: [singing nonsense words] 444 00:22:25,256 --> 00:22:29,130 ♪ As those caissons go rolling along ♪ 445 00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:33,395 ♪ For it's hi hi hee and the hoo-hoo ha-ha hee ♪ 446 00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,397 ♪ Shout out your numbers loud and-- ♪ 447 00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:37,051 MARGARET: [shouting] 448 00:22:37,094 --> 00:22:39,662 Cold and noisy. 449 00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:41,751 Those shells make a lot of noise. 450 00:22:41,795 --> 00:22:45,233 I don't know how the guys in the war movies can take it. 451 00:22:45,276 --> 00:22:47,888 I know. Right. 452 00:22:47,931 --> 00:22:49,411 But how was it? 453 00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:50,891 It was rough. 454 00:22:50,934 --> 00:22:53,415 Klinger worked so hard, he got a run in his legs. 455 00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:54,460 Yeah. 456 00:22:55,809 --> 00:22:59,508 But, uh, how was the major? 457 00:22:59,552 --> 00:23:00,901 Pretty damn good. 458 00:23:02,816 --> 00:23:04,644 You fink. Start from the top. 459 00:23:05,993 --> 00:23:07,951 Oh, no, nothing like that. 460 00:23:07,995 --> 00:23:09,388 -But you just said-- -She worked like a trooper, 461 00:23:09,431 --> 00:23:11,172 above and beyond the call. 462 00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:13,522 Boy, your mind is in the gutter. 463 00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:16,656 I can't help it. It's attached to my body. 464 00:23:16,699 --> 00:23:18,135 Come on, will ya? A man and a woman 465 00:23:18,179 --> 00:23:19,615 can have a constructive relationship 466 00:23:19,659 --> 00:23:21,400 that's based on mutual respect. 467 00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:23,010 Of course. 468 00:23:23,053 --> 00:23:24,403 You! 469 00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:28,015 Oh, I just love that. 470 00:23:28,058 --> 00:23:30,365 "Dr. Pierce and I performed like a well-oiled machine 471 00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:32,411 "under very difficult circumstances. 472 00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,500 It was an exhilarating experience." 473 00:23:34,543 --> 00:23:36,719 And I don't exhilarate you, I suppose? 474 00:23:36,763 --> 00:23:38,634 Well, you're not the easiest woman in the world to exhilarate, 475 00:23:38,678 --> 00:23:41,071 let me tell you that, Margaret. 476 00:23:41,115 --> 00:23:42,899 I mean-I mean, I don't want that 477 00:23:42,943 --> 00:23:46,425 to sound like it means what it sounds like. 478 00:23:46,468 --> 00:23:49,776 I was just so jealous. I missed you so. 479 00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:52,474 I slept with one of your boots under my pillow. 480 00:23:52,518 --> 00:23:54,694 Honest, really. 481 00:23:54,737 --> 00:23:57,131 I wrote you the longest love letter of my life. 482 00:23:57,174 --> 00:23:59,655 It takes up almost a whole roll of toilet paper. 483 00:24:01,135 --> 00:24:03,833 Oh, Margaret. 484 00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:04,965 Margaret, you're back. 485 00:24:05,008 --> 00:24:06,749 I have a headache, Frank. 486 00:24:08,403 --> 00:24:11,145 I knew it. I knew it! 487 00:24:11,188 --> 00:24:12,712 Well-oiled machine. 488 00:24:13,843 --> 00:24:16,150 Where is everything? 489 00:24:16,193 --> 00:24:19,283 I said give it away in case I, you know. 490 00:24:19,327 --> 00:24:20,502 Yeah, I know, but-- 491 00:24:20,546 --> 00:24:22,156 The green neg was my favorite. 492 00:24:22,199 --> 00:24:24,071 I was gonna wear it for dinner my first night back. 493 00:24:24,114 --> 00:24:25,246 Well, I tried, but they-- 494 00:24:25,289 --> 00:24:26,769 You guys at the rear have no respect 495 00:24:26,813 --> 00:24:28,728 for the front-line troops, stealing our dresses. 496 00:24:33,341 --> 00:24:35,474 I just wish I could make out what it was I was eating. 497 00:24:35,517 --> 00:24:37,954 Well, all it needs is a little salt. 498 00:24:37,998 --> 00:24:40,087 And pepper. 499 00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:43,264 Mustard, ketchup, sauce, flavor. 500 00:24:45,571 --> 00:24:48,617 And, of course, the coffee's cold again. 501 00:24:48,661 --> 00:24:50,401 It's getting better. 502 00:24:50,445 --> 00:24:51,577 It's less purple. 503 00:24:51,620 --> 00:24:53,579 FRANK: Oh, this camp is impossible. 504 00:24:53,622 --> 00:24:55,058 I just don't believe the conditions 505 00:24:55,102 --> 00:24:56,320 we're expected to put up with. 506 00:24:56,364 --> 00:24:57,757 I mean, really. 507 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,498 I-I know there's a war going on, 508 00:24:59,541 --> 00:25:01,238 but we can't be treated like animals. 509 00:25:06,069 --> 00:25:08,071 ♪♪ [theme]